My woozy blog

Since some days I have a prickling sensation in my right hand and arm and just some minutes ago it started in my right foot as well.

Now I have two possibilities:

Freak out

or

Ignore it

Not sure, what to do.
For freaking out it's a bit too late I think, should have done it at the very first day.
Ignoring is impossible, when this prickling won't stop at all.

Going to a doc? For what? Maybe my new house doc is better than the first one, but hey, I'm in Norway and I highly doubt, that this one here will be better.
So why even bother.
I already decided, if something happenes, I hope it goes fast, from one second to the other, without the possibility to think or know, what's happening. 
Don't get me wrong, I wanna live, but at the same time I'm tired, so tired.
I know, it's a sign for depression, I know, I could and should ask for help, but there it is, the cat biting its own tail, I'm too tired for it.

I spoiled myself, it was just impossible to close the side without buying a package of these cute little animals. 
And since it was on sale, I bought 3 at once.

Honestly, how should I ever been able to resist some of these?

Of course, I made them much smaller in photoshhop and merged them into one jpg. The original size of each png is 3500 px and the picture I'm showing here is just 1500 x 1515

Now I could make tons of Easter cards, the possibilities are endless

I bought them here: IvankArtDesign

It's still cold outside, it's still more than enough snow outside, but staying inside is almost impossible for me.
As if the air in the house isn't enough, the windows can be open, the balcony door too, but still, the air in the house isn't enough.

This is the sign, that the winter has been too long already, even though it was shorter than any we had here.

I wanna have Spring, green all over and being outside all day long!

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Just a little note
It took me one month to fit into my Jeans again.

I really should remind myself about the positive things more often!

Yesterday I was in a very dark place and wrote, what was on my mind.
Today I was thinking, if it's right to write these thoughts in public? 
I won't delete my post, cause for me it's a reminder for later, when I will be better --- hopefully. Cause if there is anthing I won't do for sure, is ending my life.
That would be so schizo, survived an infarct, got a focking PTSD because of all the circumstances and then ending my life I so kling to!

So don't you worry at all.
I'm looking forward to the day, we can sell the farm, that almost destroyed us all, my sons and me!

And if I will be totally alone in Italy - I'd rather be alone in a warm country than here in Norway!

Appointment at the dentist today and I was so freaking scared.
Came there, no waiting time, into the room and got my "cocktail" orange juice with diazepam. I was gone so fast, felt a bit of pain from time to time and a soft voice talked to me and all was good again.

Got a painkiller half an hour after I left, around 1 pm and took another one 9 pm.

On our way back home we stopped at KIWI for some groceries, a soup for me, cause that's all I can eat for now.
Saw this plant, looks like an airplan plant and bought it right away. 59 nok = approx 6 bucks
Damn, I should have asked for money instead of paying

Very carefully, first I, then my son and then I again, cut away the plastic without destroying the roots

And the sentence on the paper says: Always fresh/healthy plants
The "frisk" can mean both, but is usual used in the meaning of healthy.

This insolence, to sell plants, that don't have place for the roots, that don't have enough soild and are near death, not the first time, that I bought a plant in this condition.

Training and as less bread as possible. Much more healthy food anyway. 
Sweets, heaven, they aren't on my list since a long time now, only "sinned" some weeks ago with some chocolate.
The treadmill has become my friend and I really have to work against the visceral fat. With 81 cm waist, 165 cm and 60 kg I'm not in a risky group, but it isn't really healthy either.
Let's see, to get it down so I can wear my pants again

Damn, first losing my horses and because of that all in a sudden way too less activity, then the heart attack, getting not only depressed but having a lot of panic attacks as well, becoming even more inactive. I really have to change that!
Maybe I could write down, what I eat the day as well. Not here, this would become boring to read.

But for today, late up at 11 am, breakfast at 2 pm: 2 slices black bread, 1 with cheese and 1 with prosciutto and 2 eggs.
Gonna edit this post this evening, after eating, since I don't have a plan for it by now.
Btw. this was my first day with bread since a week, was only eating eggs in the morning and a warm meal in the evening.

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Ok,  8 pm, fried chicken strips and asparagus spears with a mixed salad of Ruccola, cucumber, tomatoes and garlic, olives and feta in a bit oil. 
And 2 oranges inbetween as well

Just wondering, is 1 cm down in a week possible?

I was just looking through the house, to find something I can use as a replacement between two cupboard elements in the kitchen upstairs.
Of course I looked also in the old kitchen downstairs and that was that.

Why have I ever agreed to remove all and everything, even the walls?
Why, why, why?
Because I really believed, that all the people who said, they are coming to help would show up. Even though I already knew deep inside, that Tjrven's friends can't be trusted.
Damn it, it's 8 years now and the kitchen is still a romm we can't use, cause even the fucking walls aren't in place!

We gonna sell the house ...
We don't need to to anything anymore, people will do their own stuff anyway ...
We don't need to invest work or money ...

And all I see is, that with every thing that is not done, the price will go down and maybe interested people won't buy, cause they wanna move in at once and not a year after buying.

And I can't do a thing! Cause I fucking don't have the possibility.
No material, no car to buy and even if, with what?

And then I see the pills in front of my nose and the question "Why not?" is getting louder and louder very fucking single time!
 

Some things and some people will never change.

This with a partial obliviousness --- what can I say?
Amazing! And I don't mean this in a positive way!

Well, at least I know now definitive, in which corner/drawer I'm sorted in.

There was a time, that I was shocked about it, now there is only emptiness left. 
Telling me, that she was (is?) concerned with the theme for a long time and all I can think: Yes, and how far? Both sides or just the allowed narrative? 

If it is forbidden to ask, then there is for sure something very, very wrong.
If it's forbidden to speak out, the same, very wrong.

That's the point, when I start to ask, when something is forbidden by law!
Truth don't need any laws!

What a night, so much fun!

I have the feeling, I was dancing like a maniac, not that crazy but that long.

It was fantastic, all the people, and at midnight we all went outside on the balcony, watching how others were burning off their money.
So many hugs, so many best new years wishes, so much fun and laughter.

I enjoyed every single minute!

Someone said to me, I'm an artist and that made me ponder.

Am I an artist?
I doubt it.

Art, the German word Kunst
Originally, it was an abstract noun related to the verb “to be able to” and meant “that which one masters; knowledge, expertise, mastery.”

Well, I don't see any mastership in setting up a scene in daz studio, my knowledge how to use the program is limited and with that, there is no expertise or mastery.

So, what am I then?
A maker? A creator? 
A hobbyist for sure, but else? 

Maybe a visionary, a dreamer cause I have tons of ideas for new pictures.
But all this still don't make me an artist.

A nice compliment for sure, that someone looks at my pictures as art.
But they are compositions, using different items to put them together for a picture.

That's not art, that's playing with items like dolls and furniture and more, only not physical but on the PC.