All is packed and tomorrow I will go for my trip to Denmark.

This time the Huni Kuin will hold the zeremonie and I'm so excited. And nervous, and scared, and looking forward to.
In one word, that only in Norway exist.

Jeg gruglede meg  (Jeg = I  -and - meg = me)

To translate it at best would be: to look forward to something with a mix of dread and excited anticipation. 

The clock is ticking, only 9 days left to my second Ayahuasca retreat and I'm already so excited.

My life has changed big times since the first time in June this year.
Yesterday I was out in the garden, cleaning up between the blackberries and raspberries. From time to time I had to remind myself about my thoughts, that came up, unwanted.
But for the first time since my heart attack no stress, no panic and i was able to work for a long time

To live without PTSD (well, almost) is a gift, no one can imagine, who don't know these attacks. 
I'm so much more active again, so filled with life again and I'm so grateful for that.

Ayahuasca and some wonderful people being with me all the time gave me my life back.

And now I can go for a second retreat and I'm sure, it will help me again to become free from other trauma and other dead albatross around my neck.

there will be a solution 

If I hear this stupid sentence one more time, I scream, I swear I scream as loud as possible.

1 dog, 6 cats (maybe only 5, Blanchette is still missing) and I need a place to go to after we have sold this house. If we ever sell this house!

I can't look for a house, as long as I don't know, how much we will get for this one.
I can't rent a house, since I don't know, where I will find a place and even if, renting cost money. Money --- what money?
Go ask for social help --- yeah of course, but then I have to stay in Norway.

And every time I get to hear: There will be a solution.

Can you hear me?
I'm SCREAMING

It's beautiful weather and I just can't sit inside.

Going through the garden and seeing the cherries getting ripe and many red currant are already fine to eat. The black ones still need many more hours with sun.

I have the feeling, summer just began, but the fruits are telling me otherwise. What will I see next year? Will I even be at another place? Will my dream finally come true and we can sell this year?
Just to imagine, to be in Denmark in the winter time, not masses of snow, not minus 30 C degree. Strong weather, yes, lots of storms for sure, but still not that cold like here.
In my mind I can see my house, see the rooms and my garden. I really don't have a clue, where exactly it will be, but it doesn't matter at all.

Just to know where to go is a huge step forward. No more thoughts, no more doubts and the best, not really learning a new language, just some words used in a different way, and, as someone told me, that I have to think about it as another dialect.
Funny way, but yes, the similarities between Norway and Danish will help a lot.

I feel so much calmer since the Aya-ceremonies, so much more relaxed, so many worries, that are gone. I find myself smiling, just like that and even to look into a mirror isn't a horror anymore

Back home again and ways too much to write down at once.

So instead of writing a post, I will start a page about the most exciting, scary, wonderful, frightful, lovely experience I've ever had.
It won't be written in a day or two, it will take time, cause I have to process so much.
And even though I'm back home now for some hours, I'm still not here.

There is a part of me, a little piece of my heart, that decided to stay in Denmark.
And now I really can't wait to sell my farm, even though it shows its best face, like every summer.

I got my call and it is Denmark calling for me to move there.

Honestly, this excitement I was waiting for, it's here, it's strong and really amazing.

And everyone, who grew up like I did, will understand my love for that special kind of nature, so similar to the area of Husum, Garding and this tiny little place named Sieversfleth, now incorporated into Tetenbüll.

This is a screenshot from google maps, just to show the place I was living with my parents for some years.
It was known as Sieversfleth, but was incorporated many, many years ago into Tetenbüll (and I think, it's a shame!)

And if you don't really see, what you're looking at, it's the place where you can see on Monday, who will come to visit you on Sunday :D

Yesterday I hit bottom, had my absolute low point.

I was listening to a podcast and H. came in, stood behind me, I stopped the video, he turned around and walked out.
He did it twice, kind of an old "joke" and I had told him times before, that I don't find it funny.

Well, yesterday I clicked, it was just the last drop of a series of things happening here, and I couldn't take it anymore.

All the thoughts, the worries, everything cumulated.

Selling this farm, looking for another place to go, Italy at best, but open to other countries as well.
I soo wantd to leave Norway!

It won't happen
I can ask here for social help, just because of all the years I'm living here.
I can't do it in any other country, that's a fact.

And I don't wanna do it here either!
But I don't have a chance.

This farm is clean, no loans, no debts at all.
So we will get out with a big plus, but anyway, this money will be gone very fast.
Buy something somewhere and live for maybe 5 years, that's it.
Or rent something, alone the rent will use up the money faster than I even wanna think about it.

So I have to ask for help and live the rest of my life, depending on social welfare

Thank you Klaus, thank you for just leaving/dying and the lie you told me, about me being in your last will.
Or was I, and your mafiosi mother and lawyer deleted it?
Still strange to think about, when I called your lawyer, only said my name and he said "there is no last will" and hung up the phone.
Until this day there are so many questions open, no one wanna answer.
Not your mother and not this mafioso lawyer.

Or is there a miracle waiting for me?
Maybe a littler shimmering light at the end of the tunnel?
Is there anyone responsible for miracles?
And if, whom can I ask?

There was no sleep for me from the 9. to the 10. and when I went to bed yesterday, it was 7:30 pm.
I woke up at 0:30 am, drank a bit and slept to a bit over 9:30 today.

This insomnia is awful and I am stupid!
I could take a pill, but my reluctance to do so is immense.

I always denied to take any pills and since I got Sobril from the stupid doctor and went straight into an addiction, the reluctance is even bigger.

So for now I just hope, that the next attack of laying awake a whole night will wait for many, many weeks!

I just had a wonderful talk with M.
Over an hour and I'm really looking forward to the end of June and the meeting with her and her friends.

Such a kind woman, interesting and a lovely soul.

There is so much I could write about and even more would like to write about. But this has to wait at least 3 weeks and even then, I'm not sure, I then will write about.
But I know, that there is a piece of my heart, drawn to a small island. Not because of her, but thanks to her. 

Just 3 weeks and I will see this island, visit this island and talk a closer look on this island

This day became all in a sudden so much more beautiful ♥

What's wrong with me?

Every Autumn and Winter, even Spring there is nothing I wish more, than to come away from here.
And as soon as the temperature goes over 15 C plus I forget all and everything and can't imagine to leave this place.

Yes, there is beauty all the time, but to forget 10 months for just this 2 warm months? And not to forget, there were summers that wasn't summer at all.
I really have to remind myself over and over again, that 2 months with feeling well and happy won't make up 10 months of thinking "I wanna be somewhere else"!

Norway is beautiful, any season, no doubt about, but if I wanna see a beautiful winterday I can go for a visit and go back again to a warmer place.

Ok, my dear Universe, so tell me PLEASE

H. went to Larvik, a talk about a job maybe.
T. is in Drammen working, called and told me, how exhausted he is. Easy for me to hear it, there is something in his voice, that' giving it away.

He was working for 2 months with his car, to get it running again, Friday he came home, with a big happy smile and in his own car
Yesterday he called, he was with C. this weekend, telling me, there is more wrong with the car.

I wanted to clean the kitchen, the dishes were done and I cleared the hermetic from the tomato paste. My thought, it would be bad to cut my finger and in exactly the same second "CUT" *wth*

Why do you throw big rocks into our path?
If this farm is where we have to stay, so tell me!
Or what's laying ahead for us?

Please tell me, dear Universe, PLEASE!

Haven't there been more than enough accidents? More than enough disaster? More than enough catastrophes?