I wish, I could have a look into the crystal ball ...

2 more weeks and many people have said, they will come to help. And I have the bad feeling, that most of them will only be here for one reason --- the party after the big work.
If this work will ever take place at all.

Ok, let's think, all will really work out, all will be done and fine and we can get an estimator to find out, how much money we can ask for.
And let's think, we are really that lucky to sell the farm.

H. will move to Larvik and T. can for sure live for a while either at L.'s place or with C. or make his dream come true, buy a boat and live there.

And what's with me?
Ok, I know know, that I would like to move to Denmark. And a lot of where, how, and from what, is kicking in.
Oh, don't you worry, everything will work out, you'll find a place --- honestly, I have enough, this isn't any comforting sentence for me.
I'm 64, my pension will be extremely little and the most scariest thought is popping up again --- for what, why should I keep going?

If I would have a goal, anything I could look forward to, but all I see is the big nothing.
Nothing and too many doubts.

And I remember the day, when Klaus called me and told me, that I don't need to worry anymore. That he put me into his last will.
It was Valentines day in 2020 when someone pulled the floor away under my feet and 2 days later, when I called the lawyer and all he said was: There is no last will. --- and hung up, before I could ask anything.

Well, I wouldn't call it: no need to worry 
 

It's full summer, it's very warm and I enjoy every day

Side effect, I'm barely online and because of that, I forget to check in here often enough. Otoh, not much to write, except how beautiful the weather is.
Yesterday I harvested over 2 kilo with yellow cherries and I wonder, if any from my huge tree are left, cause the birds are haveing a feast.

Oh, and on Friday night I was on another Fusion party in Oslo, and this was my last one for sure. Again the music didn't touch me, I got tired very early and T. brought me to the car, so I can lay down for a bit until he and his girl wanted to go home.
It didn't took long, just some minutes and thunder and lightning started and then the rain set in.

So the party was over for them as well. 2 hours driving and we were back home quarter to 4 in the morning.
All in all it was 4 hours driving for being there for 3 hours, not worth the drive, absolutely not!

Yesterday, after I wrote, that I'm back home, I got 2 mails.
The first, that she will call later and the second mail, if she is allowed to call.

When she called, she asked a very weird question, if this is our good bye now.

I was puzzled, said No, why? and she responded, because of bad experiences in the past.
She must have been on an extreme guilt trip.

It made me wonder, really, cause 2 years ago I told her, that even though we had extreme hard times together, I'm thankful, because without treating me as the black sheep of the family, I wouldn't be whom I am today.

---------------------------------

Full sunshine yesterday and I got a lot done.
Mixed beginning today, turning into dark sky and a short but extreme strong storm. I was on to my way inot the house on the stairs and it really pushed me aside, so I had to hold onto the handrail --- WOW 
Still very windy, but I will see to get the rest of the wood out of the barn into the cellar.

My journey will beginn tomorrow and I'm so excited

And maybe I will come back, free of PTSD, after almost 2 years living under permanent stress and depression. 
Sounds wonderful, doesn't it?

Just right now I don't even know, what I could write more, so this short note will do

Have I mentioned, that I'm excited?

OMG, I am!

Yesterday I hit bottom, had my absolute low point.

I was listening to a podcast and H. came in, stood behind me, I stopped the video, he turned around and walked out.
He did it twice, kind of an old "joke" and I had told him times before, that I don't find it funny.

Well, yesterday I clicked, it was just the last drop of a series of things happening here, and I couldn't take it anymore.

All the thoughts, the worries, everything cumulated.

Selling this farm, looking for another place to go, Italy at best, but open to other countries as well.
I soo wantd to leave Norway!

It won't happen
I can ask here for social help, just because of all the years I'm living here.
I can't do it in any other country, that's a fact.

And I don't wanna do it here either!
But I don't have a chance.

This farm is clean, no loans, no debts at all.
So we will get out with a big plus, but anyway, this money will be gone very fast.
Buy something somewhere and live for maybe 5 years, that's it.
Or rent something, alone the rent will use up the money faster than I even wanna think about it.

So I have to ask for help and live the rest of my life, depending on social welfare

Thank you Klaus, thank you for just leaving/dying and the lie you told me, about me being in your last will.
Or was I, and your mafiosi mother and lawyer deleted it?
Still strange to think about, when I called your lawyer, only said my name and he said "there is no last will" and hung up the phone.
Until this day there are so many questions open, no one wanna answer.
Not your mother and not this mafioso lawyer.

Or is there a miracle waiting for me?
Maybe a littler shimmering light at the end of the tunnel?
Is there anyone responsible for miracles?
And if, whom can I ask?

There was no sleep for me from the 9. to the 10. and when I went to bed yesterday, it was 7:30 pm.
I woke up at 0:30 am, drank a bit and slept to a bit over 9:30 today.

This insomnia is awful and I am stupid!
I could take a pill, but my reluctance to do so is immense.

I always denied to take any pills and since I got Sobril from the stupid doctor and went straight into an addiction, the reluctance is even bigger.

So for now I just hope, that the next attack of laying awake a whole night will wait for many, many weeks!

Not a single minute with sleep, my thoughts were playing roller coaster.
Gave up at 7 am and have to come through the day somehow.

And the search is on
Denmark, I found some really interesting little houses and not even expensive
Germany, a lot of almost cheap houses, but so far east, no thanks. I wanna have water, best the Northern Sea. If there wouldn't be the big, huge IF with moving to Germany!
Austria, have to take a closer look where the lakes are
Italy, heaven, these prices are the best, the big but behind, most are very far south or even Sicily, not the area I wanna go to.

And maybe I should ask for the norwegian citizenship first, just in case, cause one never knows.

It's pouring and a look out the kitchen window showed me a swallow, sitting on the wire. Seconds later there were 2 and I was wondering, why they don't fly into the barn.
Went downstairs to check, if the doors are open and yes, wide open.
Back to the kitchen, still 2 swallows on the wire.

The attack came so fast, but luckily, both swallows came away unharmed.
I made my peace with the magpie, but now I'm pissed, really! She can come and eat at my balcony, I never shoo her away, only to see, that she's attacking 2 little swallows.
What I don't understand is WHY! I know, they destroy nests, special going after the nestlings but attacking 2 adult swallows?

She came early this morning, but I decided, to sleep a bit longer, turned around and dozed off.

Later I made my coffee and of course, how else, R. rang, telling me, he is standing in front of the door, to ask, if I have some metal garbage for him.
Talked a bit, returend to my cold coffee *yuck* went to the kitchen to get a new one and returned to my living room.

And there she was standing on the feeder. I froze, placed the coffee and took my mobile. Luckily, I got some shots, that were clear, without movement, without being blurry.

She is so beautiful ♥

I just had a wonderful talk with M.
Over an hour and I'm really looking forward to the end of June and the meeting with her and her friends.

Such a kind woman, interesting and a lovely soul.

There is so much I could write about and even more would like to write about. But this has to wait at least 3 weeks and even then, I'm not sure, I then will write about.
But I know, that there is a piece of my heart, drawn to a small island. Not because of her, but thanks to her. 

Just 3 weeks and I will see this island, visit this island and talk a closer look on this island

This day became all in a sudden so much more beautiful ♥